hates and horrors
My life has been wronged and deafeted. Once again i stare down at the realm of which my body lies in dead and full of canned hated. The kind that could be opened any time. My hate was different than everyone elses. My hate flows threw my poetry, words, and ryhms. I haven't had any sleep worth counting and my days are as long as hell. Hell rolls on for days and days of walking. I can't stand the fact that i have to kill my heart over the people in this world. These scientists and such just wonder what the fuck is wrong with all these kids and yet they haven't been in any situations worth telling or keeping in the books that freeze time. They just prospon life and what is in it. These kids don't comit sucide cause they want to. They do it for the better of the half or so they think. I am sucidal and I know what it is like to cutt yourself over and over and wondering why it feels so good. It is just the thrill of having no time and the blood that dangles from your wrist. Well at least so it is for my friends. My life has long been shadowed by demands and spells but that is just one reason that i cutt myself. I cutt for the many unknown reasons. My life as we know it is 'normal'. Well what did normal have to do with anything. You can still be normal and have your hanging side. The side that leerks around waiting for the right moment to destroy all means of good and warming sensations. My hope, faith and unwanting help has drivin' me to the fact that i have to die. I have to. It is a known fact. All these people in the world hear about sucidal activity and think that these people are mental and or insane. Sometimes you can get the word STUPID. Does it look like im stupid. Do i know it is bad to cutt myself. Yes i do. But that is just one reason why i do. Cause it is bad. Everything in my life right now is 'bad'. It is just what im use to. My family relationship is bad. My life in general is bad. My grades are bad. My friends care for me and they want me to be the best i can be. Well how can i if i just leerk around pretending im someone im not. Im not me when i don't cutt. And when i do i feel a hole lot better. Im just scared that if i keep this up i will run out of blood. I will if i scratch away my misery everday. I will end up dieing some time this year. Along with all the pain that is deep down that i can't get out of me. there is much more to tell. I just can't resemble to a normal life what so ever.
I will be back on later. To type the rest of my story i have to cook dinner Cause my mom isn't here once again.
Amanda jane
If any one has issues and or problems they would like to talk to me about please tell me and i will try to help. popcornfairy33@yahoo.com or timurab@aol.com !!!! well if you have any advise AT ALL please talk to me. I need all i can get.
I will be back on later. To type the rest of my story i have to cook dinner Cause my mom isn't here once again.
Amanda jane
If any one has issues and or problems they would like to talk to me about please tell me and i will try to help. popcornfairy33@yahoo.com or timurab@aol.com !!!! well if you have any advise AT ALL please talk to me. I need all i can get.
posted by Jason's sweetie at 4:06 PM
5 Comments:
Well .... should i say something? and if i should ..then what would that be? you are a friend of misery! i wanna say so much..but short of time..but i,ll write later..
So i,m back although after a long and tiring break but still i,m.
Well while i,m starting to write all this, my mind is empty, totally vacant of thoughts and im searching for words to express my thinking. I think the experiece of sharing something is not bad here and you guessed write i,m going to talk over my life and in general the circumstances i,ve faced. haha. know its your blog but still i,m a visitor or may be a friend of yours..what?
stop..friend.. what the fuck a friend is?
Sometimes i feel like i,m wasting myself, my abilites, my capabilities my time, my paitence, my passion, my emotions, my soul ...and what so ever remains. thats the time i feel i shouldn't had born or be dead. this is time i feel so depress but at this extreme one positive attitude hangs always with me ..i never thought of suicide or things like that. what i do and how i cope with these situations? i think about better times..lost in memories of happiness and that serve as islands of traqualities for me. Lost into those i pass all the fuckin time and yeah..i,m outta this shit but still the short feeling of start remains there for some time, keeping me aware of the incident. Life seems difficult, too harsh at me but i believe i can handle it with all the odds and lead my way through it. its this belief that always made me strong and give me the strength to stand by all the odds.
Story will continue next time. i,m tired now. see ya. bye
First of all correction. its stand against not standby lol. Some times you get lost into the thoughts so much that you cant write correctly..thats the total opposite or better call it the vice versa of how i started the second message..lol.
Life is fucken circling..a vicious circle..i understand.
Sometimes you cant express and at times you have nothing to say..hahaah..funny it seems!
Writing..to write over a topic you need to be very clear and right now i,m not. so lets talk abit to get my mind free so that i can focus over what to say. In my childhood, i never found a way to make to draw a star untill i was 5 years old. And then one day a stattering thought came to mind, a sudden idea, i revelation like arrival..lol. and i started drawing a star. And yes i did that.. i was succesfull. it was an experience of satisfaction..a pacified soul. you know what made that possible? what made it achievable was the constant thinking over the problem. i got to its roots and sorted out a way to draw it. We experience several problems, mishaps eachday and we get depress. but may be the right way could be to ponder over why that thing happened? Eradicate the root cause and you,d never find it again.lol its funny discussion.
Putting finger around, blaming someone else, accusing the time of your failure or problem is the worst thing we see around us and its common. Well i,ve written much..feel like i should give it up now. i,m tired again. lol i cant write much..thats a demerit. but i,ll overcome this. bye
Yet another fucken day passed, a fucken black day, full of hatred and failure, the demise of one. How can i cope with so many probs? sometimes i think i have to be some real phantom kinda person or a superman.
why so many failures? how should i cope with this? i am lost again. This depression is killing me and this blogger is really helping me.
Sometimes i think i,m dreaming. Life gone wild really and i,m caught inside this vicious circle, this whirlpool..in the centre..all alone. These gusts of downs, perils, failures, like whetted knifes to me, covering my body with a layer of wounds, a skin of wounds, making me into a phantom sort of thing. This is what happens always. but..
i realize now that its not relevant to talk here about myself anymore. i should have created my own blogger. so its the last time i,m here sharing myself.
Darkness, absolute horror.
i cannot live, i cannot die,
i cant ..
Hisgrades were passing to good. The reason Melvin was working out of town over theweekend was because his company had begun to feel a new pinch in thelocal economy.
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Hisgrades were passing to good. The reason Melvin was working out of town over theweekend was because his company had begun to feel a new pinch in thelocal economy.
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