Cutting

I cutt yesterday...-whoopdie doo-...-twirls finger-...I felt really bad cause i let down my boyfriend, Jason. Well like i was really upset with things, and i still kind of am. I felt so bad that i let him down like that. Real bad. I cutt myself so bad yesterday people all around me were saying that i might need stitches cause it was under the skin almost by the muscle...I called him in Art class and left him a message. I was ready to be in tears when i left that on there. I felt so bad, I was wondering why i could hurt him so much. I promised him that i would never cutt again. I did...I just got to angry. I was just going to cutt just a little bit, nothing bad, just a scrape. Well it turned out that i was so angry that i lost controll and most of my feelings and just hacked away at my arm...I told him and then afterwards in Gym class when i was suppose to be out in the Field Gym...I was sitting in the locker room crying and writing this:

-no title-

I didn't think and I'm sorry.
I shouldda let it all go.
But you can't really do that when you're in this musical show.
No one ever sings.
They sit there just mumbling all these words,
as precious time flies by.

"I fight for my freedom,
I go down,
My scars live on me,
Blood circlin' round,
I wanna live but when will it show?"

I'm really sorry I let you down.
I thought I'd make it too.
But all of the sudden I just turned blue.
So with that I got real angry
And I didn't know what to do.

I know,
Cutting my arms won't help a thing.
But when I bleed it's such a beautiful thing.

"I fight for my freedom,
I go down,
My scars live on me,
Blood circlin' round,
I wanna live but when will it show?"

I'm really sorry that I couldn't let you know.
I was afraid that I'd ruin your day.
You were so happy...
I was so afraid that you'd run away.

I love you so much
And I swear it hurt me deep down when I knew how you were going to react when you found out.

I can't lie to you.
I can't keep a secret.
All I wanna do is to get through it.
With your help,
And your love,
I'm sure I wouldn't have to do it.

But I slipt...
And i didn't mean to do it.
It's just without you by my side,
Holding me tight.
It's hard not to lose it.

I couldn't really believe that i had done it. I had worked so hard thanks to my sweetie, Jason. I hurt him so much when i tried to kill myself that one time...I feel so ashamed that i actually did that. We might of said things that we don't mean...and have did somethings that are really stupid, but we always find a way to forgive each other. I love him so much. I really didn't know why i cutt myself. Only excuses that i used for having my way with the pin. I am just a girl deep down. A little girl that will never grow up. I don't want to grow up. But when i met Jason i wished i was older so that i could be with him down in Texas...So i could grow up and old with him...To raise our children...I dream of that day and night when i lay my head down. I know that day will come soon. But if i keep up what i am doing i know that i wont make it. I don't want our kids growing up all depressed and following my path. I want to be a great mother...Jason always tells me i will be one. We'll be so great to our kids.

But anyway...

I was not a good girlfriend towards Jason yesterday. Not at all. I couldn't and wouldn't keep anything from him. But it hurts so much telling him and having him know what i have done and what i should of just done. I don't know. Yesterday, i cried knowing that i hurt him so. Not cause i was worried what would happen to me. I don't care if i get locked up in a nut house as long as he isn't mad at me or is upset towards me. I'll be fine as long as he loves me. That's all i need is for him to say "I love you, Manda J. Ross"...I could really live off of that.

Jason if you can hear me "I'm really sorry for all the pain i caused you, i really am...I swear i won't ever try to hurt you again! and if i do...well idk, you have a right to be mad at me...you could even leave me if you really were that hurt, i'd be broken hearted but i would understand why... I love you so much. I swear i will never cheat on you (i love you way to much to do, why would i do something that i wouldn't want back?), i will never hurt you again, i won't break another promise, I swear i will pull my end of the weights, all that i want from you is to hold me and tell me that you love me...I won't expect another thing from you. 'Cept when our kids are growing up i want you to be there for them and with them!"

Well i better go, Jason's calling soon...can't wait!!! I love you Jason. Xoxo. ToOtLeS!! for now sweetie and everyone else that's tunning in...

Fat ass....signing out!
peace