As soon as I laid my head down on my dads bed thinking of nothing. You popped into my head. I miss and Love you so much. I can't stand being without you. Every time I'm alone all I wish for is You. I was dropping Leah off with my Dad and he asked what I wanted for my birthday, I was so tempted to say "All I want is Jason". I just stayed so quiet. That's all I want. I'd give anything to be with him. Anything...anything at all. All I want is to hold him close to me having his hands in mine as my arms are wrapped around him so I can tell him that "I love him". Something I haven't told him in so long. I want to tell him in Person...on the phone. I want to do more than just say "I love you" on my blog.

I miss our phone calls, and his visits. They were so awesome. Every phone call was so memorable. I remember me sitting on my bed sitting here chewing on my ice cubes having my feet in the air telling him how my day was and that I was actually strong. I did it. I didn't take anyone's bullshit that day. No ones. And the time I told him that I cut myself in Class. I was curled up in a ball thinking he was mad at me...I started crying in Class. My friends understood why. I thought I hurt him so bad. It still feels like I hurt him so bad from that. I don't want him to feel like that again, So I just sit here...doing nothing. What else. Our First conversation was so awesome. I thought he was joking when he said he would come up and see me. But When He said later on that if it was okay with my dad that he would I was so happy. I was so In Love With Him. I always was, I just didn't know how bad it would hurt tell he was gone. I always dreamed of him leaving me. I never told him but I did. He didn't leave me people forced us to leave. But we'll be back together. But for now, It hurts so much.

I cry every night. And When I do I sleep...And I don't wake up tell late. When I get this depressed I either Sleep a lot or very little. Right now, It's a lot. I dream, I sleep so deep. No one can wake me up. Sometimes I wish it was true. Where no one could. I dream of Him being here by my side, holding me real close, never letting go. I dream of him coming home from work and the kids are so excited to see him and we all jump in Daddies arms...I know they're silly but I wish so badly that it could be true. Just Me and Him and our kids. They will be so beautiful and so handsome like their father is now. They will be. I dream of things sometimes that aren't the best either. Sometimes I dream of moving on...what I fear. I know it won't happen. My heart and Soul are rested in Jason's heart.

I really miss him. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE! I wish they would all just disappear. Just go away from me and Jason. Just leave us alone. I hate people. I'm going to make a sign for my room saying how I hate people so much. Because of what that Cold-Hearted Bitch, Bobbie Jo. My fucking life and Jason's life is messed up. Bobbie Jo=My Mother. The one I don't want in my life anymore. The one I said to that "I hate her and I never want her in my life again!"

~But anyway~

I love chewing on my ice cubes. I remember chewing on them when I was talking to Jason (around when I first started chewing on the ice cubes again...) I was getting my glass of Ice Cubes taking a few from the glass and chewing on them and I asked him if it got annoying and he was like "I only allow it cause I love you." I laughed...I miss chewing my ice cubes on the phone with him. And the little things that we'd say that were so cute. Like okie dokie and ah...er...um...ee...hm...grr! I loved it when We were like "Guess what?" and we'd guess saying "You love me" and then one of us would go "Yes and No" and then it'd be "You miss me" and then one of us would say "Yes and No" And if your Jason you'd go "My IPod Is Fucking Awesome." I got that one. I loved that one. It was funny. I laughed so hard when I got it right. He loves his IPod...But not more than me!

I have every moment that we had all day and all night run through my head. All the moments that we shared and loved. Everything, Our arguments and our little Dorky Fights, the good kind. Where we sit here and go "I'm Taller. I'm 8 feet tall." and he'd always go "I'm taller. shorty!" or sometimes he'd call me midget. I loved it when he said that cause that gives me another score for me to hit him, Nicely, playfully. I wouldn't actually hit him. I love him to much to hit him. The one time when he gave me a grundee or wait was that me? I know I got him, a few times. I didn't go up to far, I didn't want to hurt him...

When he fell asleep on my floor he looked so cute. It would of been funnier if he snored but I think that sweater made it even funnier. The first time I met him I was like "What an ugly sweater!" Ew, that was gross. But Green looks good on him, so does blue and white and white. Yeah, I like the white.

I love you so much Jason. I'm going to go to bed and wake up tomorrow...late in the day...and then just lay there thinking of you while holding our care bear. I love you so much Jason, I'm still waiting for you. I will write more tonight and if not, I will for sure tomorrow then. Tootles for now you're future wife.

P.s. I'm always afraid that I will one day Accidentally IM you when I try to IM someone else. I want to so bad. I just want to talk to you so much. But I understand why I have to wait and I will. -sad face- -huggs you so close to me breathing in your scent and body-